CAN LEGUMES INTERFERE WITH YOUR LOVEMAKING?

When it comes to feminine hygiene, I am exceedingly extra, with a cache of items in my vanity cabinet large enough to replenish a Walgreens shelf. I will never ever be the girl with the vaginal stench in which Notorious B.I.G.'s lyrics went "Those the ones I like cause they don't get nathan, but penetration, unless it smells like sanitation." Not that I need it, but I take my sanitation seriously. There will not be any notorious nicknames following me in my glorious geriatric years and passing down to my descendants.

I even go as far as avoiding gaseous food such as cabbage and broccoli on a date. Although one can muffle the sound of flatulence, the malodorous aroma that wafts in the air immediately thereafter, especially in the confines of a car, usually is a dead give away.

Invariably, I purify the punani before I allow any tongue to travel that erogenous terrain. Totally, not cool to knowingly let another human being sample the sex box with the chance encounter of excrement residue. I have literally cold-cocked a guy in the forehead for attempted trespassing with his tongue before my purification process, so I don't know how I let a legume lurk in my love life and wreak havoc.

Bolting upright in my sleep at 2:00 a.m., after recollecting the night in question, I had a sudden revelation that asparagus was the culprit for my male friend's sudden disappearance after we had been kicking it for months. On that particular night, I was the poster child for Summer's Eve in terms of cleanliness, but I forgot that I had eaten an inordinate amount of asparagus. Who would have known that a legume could be responsible for my current lovelorn state. Damn! Damn! Damn!

Pacing my living room in the wee hours of the morning and repressing the urge to call him and explain that it was the asparagus, I quickly nixed the idea after I realized the time and hypothetically played the conversation in my head:

Katina: "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that night I had asparagus."

lover boy: "Huh?"

Katina: "That night you tried to taste me and maybe your olfactory senses were possibly offended"

lover boy: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Katina: "Asparagus alters the smell of some people's urine because of a sulfur containing amino acid, and I went to tinkle beforehand....... and normally I am a good wiper...... but..... anyway, I had an inordinate amount of asparagus that night."

lover boy: "Listen, I don't know what you're talking about and I have no time for this and first of all sistas don't eat asparagus, they eat collard greens or callaloo."

click.....dial tone

Instead of calling him, I called my girlfriend, who quickly got me back to thinking rationally. After ranting on the phone for almost an hour, I went back to bed and forgot about the nightmare for an entire week.

Coincidentally, I received a call from lover boy the following week, explaining that he hadn't contacted me because his apartment had burned down and he was displaced, and he wanted to get his life back in order before he called me. By that time, however, I remembered the conversation with my girlfriend, where we had a laundry list of reasons for me to be thankful he disappeared like abracadabra.

Determined to sever my ties with him indefinitely this time, I went to Victoria's Secret for sexy lingerie and to the grocers for three bushels of asparagus, and invited him over the following night for a home-cooked meal of sole and asparagus for his good riddance party unbeknownst to him.